'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (No not that one, another night, another Christmas...) by Helen Hollick
written as a short 'entertainment' for the Village
2016 Carol Service evening
* is an extra verse which I cut from the Carol Service as I thought it slightly inappropriate for a Church-based service
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Village,
Came a bluster of Pirates hoping to plunder and pillage.
They went straight to the church, for they had been told,
That’s where they would find some silver and gold.
But nursing their scratches, up the path they did amble.
They hammered and banged on the stout wooden door,
Then hammered and banged and thumped a bit more.
But the door was locked tight, it would not budge
Even though they gave it just one more sharp nudge.
They all looked quite glum,
So reached for the rum,
But the bottle was empty, which made them sadder still,
For where could they find a decent re-fill?
“The Pub!” Norman cried, “The Exeter Inn!”
So off they all ran – making a hullabaloo din.
But the tavern was in darkness, all barred and locked.
They rapped on the door, and then once again knocked.
They peered through the windows then round the back they did duck.
The Captain cussing at this run of bad luck,
“Scuppers, bulwarks, gunwales and Fu…”
(now, now, I don’t know what word you were thinking of using,
but the Captain said Futtock – which is part of the ships’ rigging...
At each cottage they came to, they peered inside,
Until at last, Mary did confide:
“No one’s in, they’re all out.”
Reluctantly agreeing, Ron nodded – that’s Ronald the bald, not Ronald the Stout.
So back up they lane they all did tramp.
It started to rain, and they got a bit damp.
“Hark?” said Bos'n Gerald, putting a hand to his ear.
“Be that singing” he said, “that I hear?”
Feeling more optimistic they broke into a run,
Laughed Dave heartily, “Oi mates, this could be fun!”
They came to the shop, but did not stop,
Burst through the low entrance straight into the Hall
Big Tim crying ‘ouch’ – well, he was somewhat tall.
“No quarter!” they cried as they ran inside,
(Apart from Tim who had dented his pride)
The singing did cease, and everyone looked cross,
“What’s the meaning of this” said the village’s boss
(the Parish Council Chair: so pirate beware!)
“We’re ‘ere fer the rum” laughed the Captain with a sneer.
“Oh,” said Roz Wright, “but we’ve only got beer.”
“We do have coffee and tea” said Anne with glee.
“And cake and mincepies” smiled Barbara, with twinkling eyes.
Well that changed their mind,
For they were pirates of a most contrary kind.
They sampled the sandwiches, cheese, ham and fish paste
Then tried out the fruitcake – which they gobbled in haste.
They joined in with the carols and the whole Christmas cheer,
Until the moon rose into the sky, high and clear.
Said the Captain reluctant, giving the villagers a bow
“I’m sorry my friends, but we gotta leave now.”
So they kissed and they hugged and wished each other goodnight,
And the pirates did board their ship... and sailed out of sight.
Now, that chap dressed all in red,
You know, the one who leaves presents at the end of the bed?
You think you hear him shout ‘ho ho ho’ when he’s out and about,
But no my friends, you’ve got it all wrong!
For what he calls when he’s driving his reindeer along
Is a hearty verse from a piratical song.
What Father Christmas delivers, you’ll be surprised to know,
Is a roguish ‘Arrr! and a jolly “Yo, ho!”
So listen carefully and you just might
Hear a shout of "Arrr Merry Christmas! Yo ho and goodnight!”
